


you're an expert at sorry

by rxnanj



Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: M/M, Past Abuse, also zachary quinto is an ass and i hate him dont @ me, kind of grofflin, like a really good grofflin friendship, like way way too sad, super sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-13 09:08:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9116722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rxnanj/pseuds/rxnanj
Summary: It wasn't that Lin didn't care. And it wasn't that he purposely didn't pay attention. It was simply the fact that he sometimes got too wrapped up in his own head to know that there was anything around him worth paying attention to.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this idea came from like two weeks of discussions with a good friend of mine. im sorry.
> 
> jon is broken now and it's sad.  
> TRIGGER WARNING:  
> as for the abuse,, it is not described at all. Jon just kind of freaks out bc something triggers him and there is a sort of description of a panic attack  
> if any of that is triggering for you, please dont read!!!

Jon wasn't afraid of Lin. Lin could never hurt him. Still, that didn’t stop him from flinching away when Lin leaned in for a hug sometimes. It was simply force of habit, and surely Jon couldn’t be blamed for that. Lin probably didn’t even realize that something was wrong.

It wasn't that Lin didn't care. And it wasn't that he purposely didn't pay attention. It was simply the fact that he sometimes got too wrapped up in his own head to know that there was anything around him worth paying attention to.

Just like when things went bad with Zachary, Lin was oblivious. He would still burst into the room screaming “Groffsauce!!” when he was excited about something. Lin wouldn’t notice the way Jon would tense up, how his heart would start pounding, how he would break out in a nervous sweat, how he tried with all of his might not to flinch. Until one day he did notice, finally.

Lin had gone during the break between shows to pick up coffee and a sandwich, and when he made it back to the theater, and up to the dressing room, he found Jon lying on the couch with headphones on, eyes closed. Lin crept into the room quietly so as to not wake the younger man. He was sleeping so peacefully and Lin thought absently that it was the most relaxed he had seemed in weeks.

At the hour call, Lin figured that he should probably wake Jonathan up from his nap. Even though he usually waited until the absolute last minute to get into costume, he still needed to eat something and get warmed up before the show.

Lin walked over to where he was still sleeping on the couch and gently nudged his arm.

“Hey, Jon. You should wake up now, buddy. One hour til showtime.” Lin whispered softly, but it didn’t work. He nudged a little harder.

“Groff. Up. Now. I bought you a sandwich.” Apparently Lin had done something wrong though. Jon opened his eyes and a look of terror flashed across his face. He screamed, startled, and flung himself to the other end of the couch, curling up in a ball. His arms were up in a defensive position to protect himself.

“Woah, Jon. Jon what’s wrong?” Lin came closer, slowly. “Jon, it’s me. It’s Lin. Calm down babe. I need you to breathe for me, okay?”

Jons eyes were clenched tightly shut and he was rocking back and forth a bit. Lin had no idea what had caused him to react in the manner that he had. In all of their decade long friendship, Jon had never acted like this. The older man sat himself down on the floor by the couch to make himself look smaller, less threatening.

“Jon, can you talk to me? What’s wrong, babe?” Lin kept his distance, willing the other man to calm down.

The other man didn’t move from his defensive stance, which only worried Lin more. It took another two or three minutes of Lin mumbling reassurances and finally Jon opened his eyes, the tension slowly leaving his body.

“Hey, there you are. There’s my Groffsauce.” Lin got up and sat himself on the couch. He was a safe distance away and made slow, even movements, but Jon still leaned away from him. He was practically a part of the arm of the couch now, his body nearly curled into it.

“You wanna talk about that?”

Jon shook his head, no.

“Alright. We don’t have to talk then. You need anything? Is there something I can do for you?” Lin was racking his brain for something that could possibly soothe him right now. 

Again, Jon simply shook his head. His breathing had slowed down now, which eased Lin’s mind a bit. Still, it was not enough to completely help. There was no explanation for Jon cowering away from Lin. 

But Jon didn’t want to talk about it, and Lin was decent enough to respect that.

“Sorry.” Jon mumbled, his voice soft and childlike.

“Hey, there’s no need to be sorry. We all have panic attacks.” 

Jon didn’t respond. He was staring at the ground, unmoving.

“Do you think you want to eat right now? I can make you a cup of tea.”

“Feel sick. Don’t want food.” 

Lin nodded once. “No food, then. Alright.”

Jon was still a statue, knuckles white with how tightly he was gripping the couch cushion. The half hour call came over the speakers and Jon flinched at the loud, beady noise.

“Jon, I can tell something is wrong. But I won’t force you into telling me. Just know that when you’re ready, I’m ready to listen.”

He stood up with precise movements, the last thing he wanted to do was send Jonathan into another spell like that. Lin made his way to his side of the dressing room to get changed, looking back at Jon in the reflection of the mirror. He hadn’t moved an inch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post show

The show had gone off without a hitch; Lin, as expected, was nervous that Jon wouldn’t be able to perform, but he had picked up whatever pieces of his heart that lay across the floor and put them together enough for the three hour performance. Lin was proud.

At intermission, Lin quickly went into the dressing room, collected all that was needed, and left as soon as he had entered. He wanted to give Jon the space that he so clearly needed, and though Jon didn’t express it, he was grateful. It sucked, behaving like this, but Lin would do anything at all to make Jon feel comfortable, and more importantly, safe.

It wasn’t until after the show had ended that Jon spoke to him.

“I want to say I’m sorry, Lin,” He started, not looking at the other man. “I didn’t mean to act like that before. I don’t know what really happened, actually.” 

Lin was on the other side of the suite changing into his street clothes.

“Hey, Groffsauce. I already said it’s no big deal. We all have those days, you know?” Lin still spoke in a softer tone, and it was off-putting. Jon hated that it was his actions that brought Lin down to this diluted form of his otherwise bubbly outward personality.

“I know that’s what you said, but I just- It’s so hard, just... I can’t help it.” Jon had already changed out of his own costume a while ago, and was now seated on the couch. Just as Lin was finished changing, he sat down at the other end to lace up his tennis shoes.

“I understand that things have happened to you in the past, Jon. I want you to know that I’m always here for you, alright?” Lin gave him a small smile. “That’s it, okay? I’m here for you and you don’t have to try to explain anything to me.”

Jon took a deep breath and looked down at his hands which were folded in his lap. Lin waited, sensing a response. Lin wasn’t sure if Jon would shut down again. In fact, he was expecting the man to simply change the subject, evade the past altogether. He was wrong though, and it might have been a sigh of relief that escaped from his lips when Jon began to speak.

“Well, obviously you already know about Zach and everything, but-” Jon paused, looking up at Lin again, there were tears in his eyes. “But, and this is ridiculous, I know that, but I’m still scared that he- I just keep having dreams about him, and it scares me.”

“Look, Jon, I won’t pretend that I know what any of that’s like, but you don’t need to be afraid. He isn’t a threat to you anymore.” Jon was beginning to look irritated.

“You don’t understand at all, do you? I’m not afraid of him, Lin. I’m afraid of you.” Jon stood up from where he was sat on the couch and grabbed his coat before leaving the room. Lin was shocked, to say the least. 

But Jon was right, Lin didn’t understand it one bit. Lin figured he should call Jon, or go after him. But he also figured it was best that he keep his distance for now, as it was evident that Lin wasn't Jon's favorite person at the present. So here he was, stuck in limbo. He couldn't move either way without disrupting his entire world, and his entire world happened to revolve around Jon.


End file.
